“I give up, let’s break up” , and Debra slept with those words haunted her for the whole night.
It’s not about why they broke up, it’s not about who broke up with who, but it hurts indeed knowing herself is no longer anyone’s.
Debra met this boy, named Ian, at the end of her favorite month, October. He came to her while she was on the parking area, and all the butterflies started to fill her stomach. She felt in love, for short. They dated , and all she knew is Ian became further day by day after he confessed. There’s nothing Debra could do except accepting what she had got.
Debra had given up like million times, she just never spilled it out in front of him. When it came to him, all she could do was crying and forgiving. She said to herself “there is nothing to do with him, it’s probably just me doing overthinking”
And they broke up that night, a night that Debra would never forget for the rest of her life. She tells her friends that she’s single and everything except the reason why they broke up. Everyone starts feeling curious, they ask her like shits. And all she can do is eating up all the words she wants so much to shout out. She is broken, and why the hell everyone ask for the reason? Is it the matter ?
Debra doesn’t know what it looks like from Ian’s point of view and how it feels to be Ian. The only thing she knows is how Ian looks fine, and it’s like a win-win situation where it’s kind of relief to know that boy is fine and… why the hell that boy is fine while she’s not at all?
She tries to collect all the tears but it always falls out all over again. She doesn’t feel hungry as often as she used to. All she can feel is the empty place that’s being abandoned by its host.
Debra doesn’t try to fix it, and she can’t protect herself, and she’s broken, and he’s okay. Debra just can’t ask for an excuse, she doesn’t want to get back or anything that sounds like doing the same mistakes all over again. She just wants herself to be okay as Ian does. She wants to move on.
“I never get back to my ex”, Ian said while they were having their ice cream. “neither do I”,she replied.
“There’s no hope after breaking up except moving on”, she tells herself that thing until she’s annoyed with that shit. However, after all, what she could do is having her tears streaming down again and again. She misses that boy, she misses Ian, she misses all the memories they had built, she’s so fucked up with that shit, but she does, she really does.
To : Ian
Hello Ian, my love and my pain.
Do you still remember when you compared me with your cigarettes. You said you’re addicted to cigarettes, and me. And here I am, want to say the same thing. As what my favorite writer said, “our love was like the burning cigarette. It didn’t last that long, and filled with poison. I’m addicted to it. And when I said I’m addicted to you, it means I’m addicted to love and the pain it brings.”. I never know how much he is right with that quote until you gave me this pain.
Is it kind of relief? For you, to lose me. You don’t need to feel annoyed anymore everytime I asked where you are, and you don’t need to wake up with my “good morning”. That shit made you feel annoyed, right?
It’s just me, Ian. I’m the one and only who feels this broken feeling. And im fucked up. I miss you, everything that I do is reminding me of you. Even walking through the parking area could beat me right on the chest. The reality slaps me so hard. And society is so suck when im not with you. People starts talking behind me, starts to laugh at me, and some of them just throw me a pity expression. I don’t need those things. People are two faces as you had said. And I really start hating them. Everyone is fake, I don’t even know what’s real in this life. I feel dumped and fucked up and broken heart and everything. I don’t regret the day we met and the day we separated. I just…. I just miss you.
And if you could make me flied so high, why do you also make me fall this hard?
Debra stopped writing her letter. She started to cry a little. She really misses that boy. She took a deep breathe and started to write again.
Ian, I wish you are okay. And, you really are. Why does it feel so easy for you while it doesn’t work at all for me?
Ian, if I never confessed to you while we were together, I’d like to do here. I really love you, and when I say I love you, I really mean it. No matter how bad our relationship went, it’s just worse to be without you.
I’m sorry, Ian. I’m sorry to fall in love with you and make you feel so annoyed with that thing. I’m sorry for writing this letter. Good morning, Ian, good night and good bye because I probably can’t say those things anymore. Stay healthy, I love you.
Debra closed her laptop and moved away. She ate up all the pain and the broken pieces. She tried to not cry. And for a million times, she was failed. Again.