surat untuk debra

nb  that was the first letter that debra got from her sunshine

Buat debra, meskipun engkau dirasa msh menjadi atau berinisial sama, yg aku dengar dr A, dia harap pencarian nya berhenti, karena dia tau waktu terus berjalan, A berharap smg dia tidak menjadi tulisan dlm surat2 elektronikmu. Dia rasa semua yg disana hanya rasa sedih yg kamu tuangkan. Dia berbisik “Semoga aku menjadi tulisan di dlm hatinya”. Terimakasih ucapnya di akhir pertemuan denganku. Sembari dia melangkah jauh, menoleh ke arah ku, dia membisikan “Aku sayang S.”

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surat untuk debra

her side of story (2)

her side of story part 1

“i’m not into you anymore”, and debra closes her laptop. puts a smile on her face, something she almost forgot after that fucking broken hearted.

debra never thought that she would finally forgive and yes she even forget every scar that ian gave her 5 months ago. she walks lightly, she feels hungry, and she even cries on a little thing. crying, is just something that she has been avoiding since she cried a whole week for ian, at that time she promised not to cry, even a single tear, it would remind her with the last pain she got. but not today, not after she met this man. she’s not afraid to cry at all, yet she’s happy to death in the same time.

this man, her A, her world, her smile, her reason to stay alive after all the pain. debra met this man after she ended her last relationship with another man. another man whom she doesnt want to discuss about now. and here he is, her sunshine, gives her the whole world in hands, no , he is the world. for debra, this A is her world.

debra falls in love, kind of feeling she misses so much, she gets the butterflies, she cant sleep, she sings some random song she has been avoiding. she loves him for short.

A, her man. no actually he’s not her man, they dont go through any relationship. boyfriend, girlfriend, it’s not how they explain thing between them. they met after some pain they went through. A, this man had been on a relationship last about 3 years, ended up being left by his girl, cried too much at that time trying to put everything back. that story made debra feels jealous to death, but he said that she heals her, that debra takes away all the bitter he feels, that debra is now his future, that he loves debra. and so does debra.

now debra doesnt even believe herself about the day when she tried to push this man away. she didnt want to get close with A at the beginning of their story, she said that it would be better if he’s not around her at all. but A never left her side, never tried to go away even a second. he said that she should put her earphones on her ears, keeps her from things she shoudnt hear at all, things that makes her want to keep some distance from him. now he gets all of it.

debra, as you can see, she loves him way too much, maybe more than she did to ian, even to anybody else. debra loves him in every single thing he does, in every single time he shares, in every single laugh he gives, in every single pain he heals.

to A,

my sunshine.

thank you, for everything you give to me. i’m glad that we met, that you heals me. i wish i have done the same thing to you. i wish you finally move on, i mean totally move on. i’m so much afraid that there’s a probability i live in the same place with your last girl. thank you, for holding my hand and say that everything is okay, that i dont need to be afraid at all. thank you, for loving me and make me feel the same. i wish it would last forever because i cant even imagine a day without you. it would absolutely bring back all the pain you have erased, all at once.

i’m sorry A, that maybe i fall too much deeper than you allow. sorry for worrying you too much that it feels like i’m so much protective. and that’s maybe true. i met you after all the pain, i’m afraid that i would get that shit all over again. promise me you won’t let me go through that situation anymore….

thank you A, thank you.

i love you

to the moon and back.

your S.

 

her side of story (2)

her side of story

“I give up, let’s break up” , and Debra slept with those words haunted her for the whole night.

It’s not about why they broke up, it’s not about who broke up with who, but it hurts indeed knowing herself is no longer anyone’s.

Debra met this boy, named Ian, at the end of her favorite month, October. He came to her while she was on the parking area, and all the butterflies started to fill her stomach. She felt in love, for short. They dated , and all she knew is Ian became further day by day after he confessed. There’s nothing Debra could do except accepting what she had got.

Debra had given up like million times, she just never spilled it out in front of him. When it came to him, all she could do was crying and forgiving. She said to herself “there is nothing to do with him, it’s probably just me doing overthinking”

And they broke up that night, a night that Debra would never forget for the rest of her life. She tells her friends that she’s single and everything except the reason why they broke up. Everyone starts feeling curious, they ask her like shits. And all she can do is eating up all the words she wants so much to shout out. She is broken, and why the hell everyone ask for the reason? Is it the matter ?

Debra doesn’t know what it looks like from Ian’s point of view and how it feels to be Ian. The only thing she knows is how Ian looks fine, and it’s like a win-win situation where it’s kind of relief to know that boy is fine and… why the hell that boy is fine while she’s not at all?

She tries to collect all the tears but it always falls out all over again. She doesn’t feel hungry as often as she used to. All she can feel is the empty place that’s being abandoned by its host.

Debra doesn’t try to fix it, and she can’t protect herself, and she’s broken, and he’s okay. Debra just can’t ask for an excuse, she doesn’t want to get back or anything that sounds like doing the same mistakes all over again. She just wants herself to be okay as Ian does. She wants to move on.

“I never get back to my ex”, Ian said while they were having their ice cream. “neither do I”,she replied.

“There’s no hope after breaking up except moving on”, she tells herself that thing until she’s annoyed with that shit. However, after all, what she could do is having her tears streaming down again and again. She misses that boy, she misses Ian, she misses all the memories they had built, she’s so fucked up with that shit, but she does, she really does.

To : Ian

Hello Ian, my love and my pain.

Do you still remember when you compared me with your cigarettes. You said you’re addicted to cigarettes, and me. And here I am, want to say the same thing. As what my favorite writer said, “our love was like the burning cigarette. It didn’t last that long, and filled with poison. I’m addicted to it. And when I said I’m addicted to you, it means I’m addicted to love and the pain it brings.”. I never know how much he is right with that quote until you gave me this pain.

Is it kind of relief? For you, to lose me. You don’t need to feel annoyed anymore everytime I asked where you are, and you don’t need to wake up with my “good morning”. That shit made you feel annoyed, right?

It’s just me, Ian. I’m the one and only who feels this broken feeling. And im fucked up. I miss you, everything that I do is reminding me of you. Even walking through the parking area could beat me right on the chest. The reality slaps me so hard. And society is so suck when im not with you. People starts talking behind me, starts to laugh at me, and some of them just throw me a pity expression. I don’t need those things. People are two faces as you had said. And I really start hating them. Everyone is fake, I don’t even know what’s real in this life. I feel dumped and fucked up and broken heart and everything. I don’t regret the day we met and the day we separated. I just…. I just miss you.

And if you could make me flied so high, why do you also make me fall this hard?

Debra stopped writing her letter. She started to cry a little. She really misses that boy. She took a deep breathe and started to write again.

Ian, I wish you are okay. And, you really are. Why does it feel so easy for you while it doesn’t work at all for me?

Ian, if I never confessed to you while we were together, I’d like to do here. I really love you, and when I say I love you, I really mean it. No matter how bad our relationship went, it’s just worse to be without you.

I’m sorry, Ian. I’m sorry to fall in love with you and make you feel so annoyed with that thing. I’m sorry for writing this letter. Good morning, Ian, good night and good bye because I probably can’t say those things anymore. Stay healthy, I love you.

Debra closed her laptop and moved away. She ate up all the pain and the broken pieces. She tried to not cry. And for a million times, she was failed. Again.

her side of story